🌟 Welcome to the Complete Shepherd Care Guide!
So you've gone and done it. Whether intentionally or through some regrettable series of events, you now find yourself in possession of a Shepherd. Congratulations! These fascinating creatures can make wonderfully rewarding companions provided you know what you're doing. This guide will walk you through everything you need to keep yours healthy, happy, and adequately contained.
This page has been compiled from 16 years of hands-on ownership and contributions from the global Shepherd-keeping community. Whether you're a first-time owner or an experienced keeper looking to refine your technique, there's something here for you.
Difficulty: [MODERATE] Lifespan: [Unknown] (Anyones guess really) Space Required: [MEDIUM]
The Shepherd is native to Ireland, where it can typically be found in the wild inhabiting Kitchens, Music festival tents, E-Waste facilities, classic car dealerships and oil puddles. In its natural environment, the Shepherd subsists primarily on leafy greens and red meats and occasionally snacking on square bars as their only source of sustenance. Spends the majority of its waking hours engaged in tomfoolery of various varieties.
First documented by concerned parents in 2009, the species has since spread far beyond its original range. Domesticated specimens adapt reasonably well to captivity, though they will occasionally exhibit remnant wild behaviours such as taking apart old computers — a throwback to their ancestral roots that owners should be prepared for.
The Shepherd requires a reasonably sized living space with access to IT equipment. A minimum enclosure size of 2 meters squared is recommended, though larger is always better.
Key enclosure features your Shepherd will expect:
- Knives — absolutely non-negotiable. Attempting to house a Shepherd without at least one knife will result in potential spontanious combustion.
- Computers — for enrichment purposes. The Shepherd has a well-documented need for IT, and this provides an outlet.
- A Volkswagen — optional but strongly recommended. Owners who provide this report significantly improved temperament.
- Steel walls — safety feature. Shepherds are known to carve their way out of enclosures if left unsecured.
Proper nutrition is essential for a healthy Shepherd. In the wild, the species is known to eat almost anything, but captive specimens often develop strong preferences and should be offered variety where possible.
| Recommended Daily Feeding Schedule | |
|---|---|
| Morning | Strong coffee, silence, possibly a pastry |
| Midday | Will often forget to eat; a gentle reminder is acceptable |
| Afternoon | Something sweet around 3pm or temperament degrades noticeably |
| Evening | Often has opinions about this; consult your Shepherd in advance to prepare yourself for jugement on your cooking |
| Late Night | Will locate food independently if left unsupervised; hide the good snacks |
Fresh water should be available at all times. The Shepherd prefers its water sparkling and at around 15 degrees Celsius, and will comment if this standard is not met.
The [NAME] is a very social species. Regular positive interaction is important for maintaining a well-adjusted specimen. Neglected Shepherdss may exhibit behaviours including pouting, argumentative behaviour, and in severe cases, acute "shutting down govornment security systems".
Best practices for handling your Shepherd:
- Always approach from front — the Shepherd startles easily when approached from behind and may respond with a hidden pocketknife to the gut.
- Avoid attempting interaction during any argumentative period. This is a known low-tolerance window and any requests made here will be poorly received.
- The Shepherd responds well to being told they're right about something, talking about any variety of classic Volkswagen or aircraft.
- Do not attempt to rush the bonding process. A Shepherd that trusts you will protect you with its life. A Shepherd that doesn't will avoid you unless threatened. In which case it will be prone to attack using any blunt or sharp object nearby.
A healthy Shepherd will typically display conversational behaviour, maintain an appearance of heavy clothing, and vocalise regularly with quips and/or random facts. Deviations from this baseline should be monitored.
Common conditions to watch for:
- Getting philosophical — characterised by questions regarding the function of the body, the structure of the universe, and the nature of thought. Usually triggered by conflict or emotion. Treatment: Cautiously converse, do not engage or provide with a supply of YouTube videos questioning reality. Recovery time: 4-8 hours.
- "shutting down govornment security systems syndrome" — presents as engaging in acts of cybercrime, invasive electronic monitoring or compulsive coding, often appearing after prolonged exposure to extreme boredom. Respond with mild discouragement and outlining of govornment legislation. Do not attempt to remove computer during this period.
- Tuberculosis — a seasonal condition most common during winter. Symptoms include coughing, choking, wheezing. Generally self-resolving; supportive care recommended.
The Shepherd has complex inter-species relationships. Before introducing your Shepherd to other inhabitants, consult the chart below. Note that individual results will vary — the following is based on typical interactions.
Owner Ratings — as reported by the community:
Leave your tips, stories, and experiences below for fellow Shepherd owners!